Advice. I need the inner most calling, to listen to understand what I've been doing so wrong and learn how to fix it. I cannot go back to what I have done, I cannot return to the spectrum, to that show, and it's not who I want to be anymore. I want to treasure this, without regret. Just let it all go. All of it. Down to the last drop, sinking deeper and deeper until it has become consumed by the righteous holdings of the night. Please just take it upon yourself to destroy this mess and make me clean. For I am the utmost tainted, so wrong and alive in the broken actions I have committed. I'm sorry. Can you hear me? Do you get this? I'm sorry. I no longer want to do the bidding,s of the sad a seductress. I just want to let it go, leave it behind me and start anew. I want to know there is something better out there, someone who won't destroy me. How can something so good go so wrong, so quickly without the hint of reason as to why? Tell me! I don't think I'll ever understand, and it hurts me. Time and time again I want to revert back to what he said, to the promise to the open-hearted weekends and days filled in nostalgia. But I so badly want to move on. Perhaps I feel safer waiting in the dusk of my past, for the great fear that my future will not be any more promising. Please tell me, there is someone there. Every inch of being cries out "Help" and yet it is not answered. I've been looking in all the wrong places, so close to being right on the path, but managing to fall ever so slightly short. I don't want to fall, I wish to be strong again, I wish to understand again or if that is too much to ask for, I wish for peace and resistance against things I cannot change.
I want relief, and a story that I can comprehend, absorbing every word whole-heartedly. A Knight is out there hidden in fate, to be reveiled in due time. May God grant me stillness and silence until then.
15 years ago
