11.12.08

Oh, Right...

I made this a bit ago. Inspiration: unclear. enjoy.

And why do i stay here and watch you swarm away into the hives of shallow hearts? Because I know one day, we will meet as more than just friends, and walk down that road in silence, because we know that words are too much, and yet not enough, because we know what would be said if our mouths could open, and so we walk down that road in silence, satisfied with hand in hand. So i will proceed in this life alone, for the knowledge that one day we will meet as more than just friends.

I can't explain the state that I am in.

I thought about you again. I find it sort of funny how these spurts lately have been about you. But what can I say, I put on your music, that has now become mine, and you we're my best friend. 

My mind wanders, and at the end of the night it comes back to you.
I want a new place to call home, somewhere distant from your memories, 
though i have this hunch that you will haunt me no matter.

I miss you. You make me happy. I'm hurt by you. Where will this go?

9.12.08

Siding with my demon.

I
am disregarded
I am misrepresented
I once was delicate
But am no longer loved
My lover could not handle me
My creator therefore disowned me, alas me!
The one who was beautiful, who was strong...

Lilith, my dearest love

Tuesday night.

and I'm pretty sure this doesn't come in a bigger size. Not clear on where that leaves me. 
If only... 
No. 
That most definitely would not work. Hmm...

8.12.08

Put on whatever makes you attractive.

The pictures. They're everywhere. They have become our identity, no longer moving beings, but perfect photo-shopped pictures. No longer artistic, but rather a stamp, to label us, to allow us to hide behind one single moment, that was most likely in itself artificial. Beneath the typed words, the silence, the picture, hides a human being with the same repulsive habits as you our I, with the same tragedies, and lies, love and deceit. Ode to the internet age, a generation hiding behind a manipulated world. 

7.12.08

Lost it

So, sometimes reading words that put me in complete state of incapacity, that more than often inspire me, becomes unbearably not worth it. How can a simple memory of someone be so tainted by anthers actions, so completely irrelevant to my perspective? I would enjoy some peace finally, I despise distortion.

31.3.08

In a Way

I am alone in this
Not in the sad sort of way
But none the less,
In a way

As a stare at your words
And try to touch
The symmetry you've spoken
My mind is fleeing
My inspiration in awe
Your lack of words
Sweep me into the corner
Leaving me baffled,
wanting to tell my heart leave
just go away!
but your words.
o those words,
how i cannot ignore them
my solemn plead, barely squeaks out of me
you amaze me, in the utmost way i can possibly be
just take me into your reverence,
and do not let me leave
until you have explained yourself
until the gap of words turn into
hushed tones of what could be
who are you?
and do you see me, for me.

'Till that day
I wait here, and
I trace the lines you have written
And although i am not sad,
I am alone
In a way

24.3.08

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

So my dearest reader, i am struggling with a desicion of which college to apply to but so far this is what i have. And if you would be so kind and suggest any that have an MM let me know.

University of Delaware (Delaware)
Eastman School of Music (Rochester, ny)
Houghton (ny)
Mannes College the New School For Music (ny,ny)
Rider/Westminster College of Arts (princeton, nj)
Berklee College of Music (bosten, ma)
Bethesda Christian U (aneheim, ca)
University of Tornoto
Boston U. (ma)
Harvard
Kean U (nj)
Lehigh U (pa)
Monticlair State U
Princeton U (nj)
Renseller at Hartford
Rowan U (nj)
Syracuse U (ny)
Yale U of Music


ick! so in total that is....*beep* *click* *zip* 18 colleges, and i'm still searching. Well wish me luck, i'm gonna need it!


♥ adeiu

Random

The Airborne Toxic
-Sometime around Mi
Cat Power
-Metal Heart
Nada Surf
-In the Mirror
SilverSun Pickups
-Little Lover's So Polite
The New Porography
-Music from the radio
Elliot Smith
-Angeles
Mayday
-Rock and Roll Can't
Interpool
-The New
Iron and Wine
-Boy with Coin
The Sea and Cake
-The word is again
Se Wolf
-You're a wolf
Band of Horses
-Our Swords
The Raveonettes
-Dead Sound
Tegan and Sara
-Walking with a Ghost
Thierry Amiel
-Coeur Sache
Explosions in the
-A song for our father
Tiesto
-adagio for Strings

Peeping Tom
-Mojo

25.2.08

Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

Yes. I do.
I find it sort of funny that the same person
who makes you feel like you can accomplish anything
who allows you to be wholly yourself
who builds you up, makes you feel so alive,
can also be the one
who knocks you down, on your face, leaving you there to dwell
on themsitakes you've made or convince yourself you've made
the same wodnerful touch can be the one to dismantle your entire confidnce

But that is when i ahve to turn away, and learn that they can't hurt me if i dont let them, which has bene my trouble. But i think i'm learning, and during this learning, i am ammending who i am
trusting in a more reliable being, that will never turn on me.

Even though i know this all to be too true, its amazing hte amounts of time i stumble repeatingly and never manage to catch myself until i hit the floor. But maybe this time its differnt. Maybe this time i can stand tall, keep on walking, without the attatchment of a false happiness.

to Be alive
to Be stronger
to Be free
to Be exactly who im supposed to be


† ♥ †

27.1.08

Spewing Words

Hi!

so last night i had one of my "revalations" haha not really more like, an evaulation of things leading to getting out of my "funk" states. So basically to say, it's a time where i realize how grateful i am for all i have. How i have the most Uh-Mazing friends, who have my back and care about me. And ontop of that i got inspiration for some new music that i've been...assigned to ha
so tell moi what you think yes?

Silence, you i treasure. Come and visit with me for a while.
Memories, how you scatter and patter on my wooden floors
Dance for me dance. Show me things i once loved
Make me doubt the road i took.
Enigma (or doubt?) fall on me, make my thoughts stutter.
O how you try your best to retrace my footsteps
Mirror, take a good look at me and compare
your sights to a re-invented masterpiece
Im sure Im right where Im meant to be
Go back to where you belong, where i left you
In battlefields of dubiety
You are banned, o i commaned thee out


....trying something new...so ya!


♥ Adieu

17.1.08

Little Diddy

So the sky
is kinda high
and people sigh
when rainbows divide
into beautiful butterflys
as the arrows strike from his eyes,
when i know he's speaking in lies

5.1.08

Underline

I've been saying these cruel words
My head is jsut confused, wondering
If your goal is to hurt me or not
Swear to me, i know you have
Still, it doesnt make this easier
You make me happy, yet
On the otherside, its painful to trust you
Under my words
Tell how i honestly feel
Oh, how i wish things never happend
Oh, how i wish things would happen


grr...kinda sucky like the others...o well

Cog

that one night
feels like years away
that one night
i was happy
that one night
i could pretend
that one night
we trespassed the line
that one night
i miss, i wish it was real
that one night
i pray for it every night
that one night
has made me remember
that one night
i have yet to figure out, if i should regret
that one night
im so frightened of what you will say about it
that one night
was it wrong
that one night
will you hate it ever happened
that one night
will it be a beginning to something beautiful
that one night
will it be an ending to a beautiful life

that one night
i miss
that one night
do i regret
that one night
was my last

I Begg of thee

Is this even real?
Dont tell me youve faked it all along
Out of my mind, i am going out of my mind
No, please dont regret a thing, you'd be
Teasing me, this has been
Unbelievble, although im merely pretending
Not being able to face reality
Dumbing down the pain is all i try to do
Easily you walk away, after we
Reminiss of the times we miss
Surely you must be lying to me
Taking all that you can out of me, so
Away with you if all your doing is playing games
No more. i will not be able to stand it much longer
Dont play this game with me anymore
Please

1.1.08

Above all else, Guard your heart

I'm through with saying things are ok
I cant bear listening to you smile
You miss me, and you feel bad
But honestly do you?
Do you know what you did to me?
Do you actually understand?
Because i get the notion that you don't
That you never understood
That your just screwing me over

I will open myself
So foolish i am
my blind trust in you will lead to my demise
time and time again
how can i trust you?
Why do i persist on putting my faith in you
I should hate you
But oh, On the contrary my love
I yearn to here you say that things are different
That you will be trustworthy
That we can mend this relationship
But really can we?
Will you leave me again?
Let me fall in the dust?
And cry out all the faith i have in you?

You see i have this fixation
With the hope that one day we can be,
Like the days we never had to worry
When I never had to be scared of you
Of yours lies
Of your cruel words
Of your empty promises
Of your misleading touch
I let myself loose to you
I put down my barriers
Opened my self to those deceiving words

How stupid had i been
I let myself down
I let myself feel like a whore
I turned myself into the lowest freak

For you i let myself,
all i stood for,
all i believed in,
be taken over
For you
All for you
I swore i would never let myself get like that again
Not let myself believe lies

But what am i doing
I'm telling you okay
And that i miss you too,
Making myself vulnerable
so that you can brake me

SO my Darling,
Ode to you i say...
Have Fun Fucking Me Up