I am pretty much ready to say yes, to jump in your arms and work on this until my fingers bleed. I'm sick of being cautious, really who am I being cautious for anyways? Myself? probable. The rest of the world? Most likely. So I'm taking this, I want to so badly. Perhaps I'm not strong enough. Perhaps you will always be mine. Either way. Just ask me, that's all, I'm ready, let's go.

dear edith.

So. hey you. I really miss hanging out with you, and yes, I do very much know we say this all the time, but I feel like I fail to get the point across. I'm glad we're friends and when I say glad, I am saying the sun is shining so brightly that you cannot see anything but it doesn't matter because the sun alone is your friend in those moments. So yes, I am glad we're friends, and i hope my lack of memory or persistencey does not tamper that, I am sry, and I'll probably end up apologizing all the time for my delay in a needed overlooked phone call. But hey i miss you, and I hope you are well, and hey we have music together, because we make music together and hey i love this friendship! and your blogs, wow lol, really wow. thanks, they always make me smile, and actually that was sort of the main inspiration for this, i forget how awesome times can be when we get together, and then i read you blog, pathetic on my part, but amazing non the less. so ya. i feel a little too sentimental here, which is frightening to type out and declare my deed of friendship but tis a new risk...ya explanation on my blog hah. so i guess im at a conclusion, because well, its late and its mothers day by now and i need sleep darn it! but hey you, hug.

Hey. I've missed you!

A friend told me that I hold things back, and that I need to say what it is I long to verbalize.

Okay, so.

The question rises: If I take hold of the moment at hand and speak the words that are struggling out, will I still be me or will my words betray all I've worked to become?

My friend would you take back your advice?

On and Off, I return.

I think forever I'll be waiting for the call back in your arms. No matter how many transfusions I undergo, you will plague me, running through my veins until I can break out or break up. You are my poison, despite the years that have remedied the distance between us, how many other hearts I linger to, I can hear yours loud and clear, truly, I'm addicted, I will never be healthy again. And although this would seem to scare me, it brings a smile to my face, to know that I can love without being loved.

Somehow you know me, while I'll spend my life wondering who you could possibly be, for I have only seen a glimpse of the perfection, but I am satisfied with that. Blind me to the flaws and mistaken lifestyles, I've decided ignorance is bliss.

Because I love...

his imagination

There comes the time
when 'i love you' will
seem so insignificant
that my silence will
blow you away

In the words of & 'she absolutely defied his imagination'

I see you lying next to me.

What if I go back to everything I have ever written, all inspired by some sense of love, and forget the original influence of the flesh and replace it with something more pure. What if I make all of it a devotional of a sort, calling out my love to You, the almighty.


It's kind of nice...

in moderation.

"I know is been years...but do you think of me at all?"

"No"

"Oh"

(constantly)

...Keep your eyes open to hold back the tears.




Too many times as I am drifting to sleep with an ever straining effort, my thoughts wonder to you. I tell them "stop it, go away, and sleep" but they disobey. This causes me to wonder why they are so persistent, and I've reached a conclusion: You are thinking of me too.

Yes! Google search can find you the scripture on the tip of your tongue. ei;

So confess your sins to one another
and pray for one another so that
you may be healed. The prayer of
a righteous person has great effectiveness
(James 5:16)

Now go and be fishers of men.

For as the body is one and has many members, but all
the members of that one body being many are one body.
For in fact the body is not one member but many.
If a member suffers all members suffer with it
Now you are the body of Christ and members individually.
(Corinthians 12)

Whether you like it or not, we are in this together. Whether you accept it or not, we are one. We are connected by the unfailing love of Christ, and not even a lifetime of denial will change the truth of that. We are the body of Christ, and we need each other. Take it or leave it, this is our life.

You got what you came for now leave.

So even if things don't work out, it's okay. It showed me that there is hope in the future, that I am not too crazy for someone to want me. So it's okay. And the thing is, it has to be because last night I felt that loneliness again, the one I vowed I'd never go back to. So I'm not. I'm staying right here, and working past it all because I have to and I know there will be a better light soon enough.

Now all to do is rejoice in the things I have, how I just forget. And for starters I need to talk with my lovely's again. I will not fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord,
For He has been good to me.
-psalm 13:5-6

If you want me, Satisfy me.

I've come back from Massachusetts with a new hope.
Rediscovered the wind and the ways that the silence awakens.
Dare say I am excited, yet scared I may be losing what I have been striving for lately.
And the way she sang was so powerful, I am so proud of her.
I'm finding that I play guitar better when I'm not scrapping for words. I like it.
She showed me this song.
'You've become my world, and I'll spend my life exploring'
I showed him my music. I spent hours with him.
He makes me nervous. No one does that anymore.
I think I'll ask him to prom.
So we sang in the grass, under the rays that continue to live.
I will not be defeated again, because I'm worth it.
We both agree, God will find a way. I'm so happy for that. Smile Chica.
I think he understands the beauty in all of it.
I can only pray that my virtues don't bother him.
And so I pray he will understand, and come to me.
Family is amazing. Finding friends in a family, is doubly so.
I just want to sing with all of them. Then the world will be perfect.
I look forward to doing this again soon.
I look forward to talking again soon.
Thank you...

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For its been so long since I have seen your face.
if you want me, satisfy me.
if you want me, satisfy me.

And she likes Frou Frou. How wonderful! I love her.
I think I could hug him now, I just wish he would call.
All in good time my love.

awe.

My mother called me yesterday. She told me not be so hard on myself. I didn't think she was listening when I was trying to hold back the tears the other night, trying in the most modest ways to confess my sins, but she did. She heard me. She told me it was okay. Things are okay now. Thank You. Both.

mothers are the inspiration we forget to give credit to.

Familiarity

Loves an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
Then hurt me...
Then hurt me....
[bright eyes]

I should really try to remember Regina in these painful in between hours.
...and so she smiles

Let the pain linger

Advice. I need the inner most calling, to listen to understand what I've been doing so wrong and learn how to fix it. I cannot go back to what I have done, I cannot return to the spectrum, to that show, and it's not who I want to be anymore. I want to treasure this, without regret. Just let it all go. All of it. Down to the last drop, sinking deeper and deeper until it has become consumed by the righteous holdings of the night. Please just take it upon yourself to destroy this mess and make me clean. For I am the utmost tainted, so wrong and alive in the broken actions I have committed. I'm sorry. Can you hear me? Do you get this? I'm sorry. I no longer want to do the bidding,s of the sad a seductress. I just want to let it go, leave it behind me and start anew. I want to know there is something better out there, someone who won't destroy me. How can something so good go so wrong, so quickly without the hint of reason as to why? Tell me! I don't think I'll ever understand, and it hurts me. Time and time again I want to revert back to what he said, to the promise to the open-hearted weekends and days filled in nostalgia. But I so badly want to move on. Perhaps I feel safer waiting in the dusk of my past, for the great fear that my future will not be any more promising. Please tell me, there is someone there. Every inch of being cries out "Help" and yet it is not answered. I've been looking in all the wrong places, so close to being right on the path, but managing to fall ever so slightly short. I don't want to fall, I wish to be strong again, I wish to understand again or if that is too much to ask for, I wish for peace and resistance against things I cannot change.

I want relief, and a story that I can comprehend, absorbing every word whole-heartedly. A Knight is out there hidden in fate, to be reveiled in due time. May God grant me stillness and silence until then.

selah.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent and praise worthy-think about such things" (Philippians 4:6-8)

~there is no significance in worrying over anything, because God always has your back. It's a comforting thought that at any stage we are in, we have Him to go to, and we are able to find peace in the knowledge that as long as we give Him our all He will reciprocate. We relieve ourselves of the worries and anxieties, that-if focused on too much-will lead us to destruction. When we focus on Him and things of Him(true, noble, right, admirable) then, He is our shield and our guidance.


'God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble' (psalm 46:1)

'In you oh Lord, i have taken refuge, let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue, be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me' (psalm 31:1-2)

'Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may recieve mercy find grace to help us in our time of need' (ephesians 2:8)

'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (hebrews 11:1)




God Bless.

Perchance...

To my lovely muse (hope your checking this),
...I really can't wait to talk with you, I keep forgetting how much I need you in my life, I've missed your company, and our AP. Right now, I'm sure you are sleeping and dreaming of insane sun rises, So here is my attempt at reaching out to you until we can get in contact, because I feel it's important to help you in some way. Although I'm sad to say I still do not completely sure of your situation or struggles right now, I found some articles that may help, like sermons. So here it goes:
The Deepest Cry of the Human Heart
Feeling down at the top
The 'I Can Handle It' Trap
“If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
Hurting and Passed By
"The Lord has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."
And a nice reminder



i love you chica.

Observation.

Right, so staying up late might not be the best idea. My emotions peek and my fingers become all to willing to type. Not the greatest combination. So thought; either I'm exaggerating with the inspiration of the most obsolete imagination, or I could be self cleansing in a sense, writing all I feel truly without questioning its logic. Either way, I think for now I am content.

And instant message is a pain, i feel like i could rant for hours, current notice of the night is that the main downfall of instant message and the underlying reason i cannot bear to have a real conversation; there is an undeniably large amount of emotion and reaction lost in translation. The least to say; Phail!

Sometimes, I feel so right, and so clear that I just want to shout to the world 'You are unbelievably loved by the best person that could ever happen to you, who will without a doubt be there always, and give you all you need and then some' And its so easy and makes so much sense, that I wonder how people don't jump to the opportunity right there and then. And again, I wonder how I can keep forgetting this, all too well, too much.

Last. I am very very cold, not that's really new =]


l.o.v.e. and peace-truly

Are you listening?

Making contact
Through indirect definition
Making yourself known aloud
Through secret and silent words
Making me wonder what your referencing

I sit here and type endlessly, curious if my words are silent and curious of what I should say, as I feel multiple emotions, clicking inside, so strong and so strange, makes me excited yet scared. Should I stray from endlessly typing whatever comes to heart? Or stop, and think, before I let possible words get me into trouble that I am not yet to bear? And from that I have come to this conclusion; I'm looking to a higher power, I will not fear what comes next, I will pray. Endlessly.


your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (matthew 6)

Because the sun is overrated.

A sudden turn of my head
Slipping in and out of memories
Pick up the photographs
That seem to remind my skin
How to feel. And I listen to
The rain, cutting through my fingers
Waking inside of me
Something I've long forgotten
And the tapping, how the sound persist
Becoming a metronome to my fluttering heart
It stirs something beautiful inside of me
A love song without a heart-breaking resolution;
An eternity of smiles, never to be tainted with.

And so with that I sway
Slipping in and out of memories
Hold up my hands
And let go.
Of it all.
Closing my eyes
To release the final tears
Joining in a dance alongside the rain
Hearing our song abundantly and loudly
Knowing that nothing else ever mattered.
Open my heart, with out an ounce of blame
Glad, that I have forgotten how

And so, I will hold out my right hand
Slipping in and out of memories
While I wait
For a partner
To lead me in a dance of a lifetime
Alongside the rain
I will wait, as long as fate persist
I will wait...

for you.